Home Theater

After a long day of staring at the wall, reading the same magazine on the coffee table for the sixth time this month, and producing CO2, I like to unwind with a nice movie. Going to the movies has been one of my favorite pastimes, and I am grief stricken that I can no longer enjoy a night out with friends, family, or even some quality alone time. But seeing as how we only seem to have alone time, I figured why not bring the movie theater home? Here is an easy DIY transformation from Homebody to Movie-Buff.

1) Ambiance

The excitement of going to the movies is almost as exciting as the movie itself—in some cases, it is more exciting. Those of you who attended “Brightburn” last year, you feel me? There are twinkly lights, you get to pay for a little paper that they then rip in half signifying that money is a socio-economic construct that really means nothing, and then you get to express some outrage at the price of popcorn before proceeding to buy popcorn. So, who wouldn’t want to use their time in quarantine transforming their surroundings into the ultimate theater setting? First things first, you need the buzz of a movie theater—if you live alone, a penny, potato chip, and tissue will do just fine (Spongebob reference anyone? Where my 90s kids at?).

Dress your favorite roommate or sibling like an usher and utter phrases like “ One ticket for the Hateful Eight, now streaming on Netflix” (any movie will do in this scenario, but you will want to include a streaming service that does not have commercial breaks). They will reply with “Theater four on your left,” and that will be enough uncomfortably forced social interaction for at least a week.

From there, you can spill a bit of soda on the floor and let it get all sticky, then dump a handful of popcorn between the cushions of your favorite comfy chair—just like at the movies.

2) Before the Movie

Play a bit of pre-movie trivia games! Which of these actresses was NOT considered to play the love interest in the 1994 film Speed starring Keanu Reeves?

A) Halle Berry

B) Sandra Bullock

C) Ami Dolenz

D) Ellen Degeneres

If you guess “C” congratulations! But now, hit that last-minute bathroom break before the lights to get real low as we offer you some trailers coming to your living room soon.

Our next step will require a bit of setup, but bear with me, it will be worth it. Create a playlist on YouTube of movie trailers that “you would want to see;” trailers that “you say you want to see but never end up seeing;” and trailers “you never want to see” (6-10 should suffice). Once the trailers have played through, you are ready to start the Action/Romance/Comedy/Documentary/Horror film of your life.

3) Crowd

One thing I love about the movie theater is the focus that I can give to the screen—so that I am able to digest the movie entirely, but also out of respect to my other patrons. This is why it is nice to invite any other household mates to the film with you—with a respectful 6-foot distance, of course. You can even assign roles to one another!There’s the “disruptive texter” who thinks they are being coy. Or the “aggressive shusher” who doesn’t want to hear you rummage for more Skittles. Or my favorite, the “usher who just wants you to stop doing that thing in the back row—PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU!” Whatever part you play, it will really emphasize the idea that you are just trying to enjoy a movie without all of these distractions around you. Once the credits roll, you are free to discuss the film with your household and offer opinions such as “The book was better” or “I didn’t know that was the girl from Game of Thrones.” Whatever closing notes you have, it will all be worth the $35 you spent tonight. At the movies, the feature is on the 32-inch VIZIO HDMI input, so please remember “Don’t Text. Don’t Post. Don’t Talk. Don’t ruin the movie.” Thank you! Now, enjoy the show at H-O-M-E!

Kyle Major

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