Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide (Revised)

If you were a child between the years of 2004 and 2007 with access to cable television, prepare to feel old and sad. If your time was beyond those years, prepare to feel sadder and older because I am going to pull a memory from the recesses of your collective minds as we reminisce on the entertainment of adolescence by looking at Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide. Let’s take a moment to remember all the life lessons that this show had to offer for its time. I read over 96 tips for today’s blog and chose the top 10 that I feel are relevant, if not a bit dated for life amidst a pandemic. With that being said, I’m Kyle from New Plains Student Review, and these are “Tips Ned Bigby Offered Us During Childhood That Have Since Proven Useless, But Don’t Worry Because I’ve Got My Pen and I’m Making 10 Amendments.”

  1. Tip #109A – Get a haircut two weeks early
    And if you want a new ‘do, get it two weeks early. This will give it a chance to grow in.

Ned brings up a good point here. Most events that you would want to get a haircut for, you should get well in advance. However, we are in the midst of a LITERAL PANDEMIC so social gatherings should not be on your mind, Mr. Bibgy. Selfish. Let’s make tip 109A read: Get Your Haircut, Then Quarantine for Two Weeks So You Can Show It Off Without Risking the Health of Others

  1. Tip #685HC – September = Summer
    1. And remember, September is still summer so hold off wearing the new fall fashions and 
    2. AVOID HEAVY COATS
    3. Don’t wear the fluffy coat!

Another kosher point by Ned; however he has neglected that trends change and while he’s stuck in the low-rise jeans of 2005, 2021 is all about thrifting chunky sweatshirts and staying out of the sun so our skin gets better. Perhaps it’s Ned who is so 2000 and late. Replace tip 685HC with: Dress However You Feel Comfortable Unless You Own Fish Flops

  1. Tip #334.3F – When you’re sitting with your friends, you are at the cool table
    When you’re sitting with your friends, you are at the cool table.

This is a sweet sentiment, but Ned has yet again failed to consider the “Main Character Energy” that we all aspire for. Sitting alone is both cool and mysterious while also socially distanced, which I believe is cooler than anything right now. Refine tip 334.3F to say: Sitting Alone Is Assertive, Hot, and Safe

  1. Tip #312 – Don’t believe rumors and don’t spread them
    Rumors. Sometimes they’re fun but usually they are nothing but trouble. So don’t believe them and don’t spread them.

I actually don’t have much of a problem with this one, but I feel that Ned has neglected that rumors are more common on the internet, so we need to refine this one a bit. Let’s change tip 312 to: Spread Rumors Online Because There is No Risk of Spreading COVID-19

  1. Tip #883.2C – Make sure the coach notices you
    And the idea is to impress the coach so stay close to make sure they see you and your skills. And try not to hit the coach.

What a little showoff. For someone who touts teamwork throughout the show, Ned really comes off as his own one-man band. Tip 883.2C should read: Make Sure the Coach Notices You By Spreading Rumors About The Other Players Who You Can Tell Are Better Than You

  1. Tip #129.B – Use “Other” Bathrooms
    Take advantage of the school’s “Other” bathrooms.

I have no clue what kind of ableist othering of bathrooms Ned is referring to so we’ll change that right quick. Tip 129.B: Use Whichever Bathroom You Prefer

  1. Tip #618 D – Use the “fast walk”
    Avoid “no running” rules with the “fast walk.” You’ll look totally stupid but save valuable time. (Unless you’re up against a Sweeney–“he said the ‘fast walk’ is technically a ‘slow run'”)

We all know what Ned was trying to tell us, I’ll be the one to say it. Tip 618: Do Not Naruto Run

  1. Tip #093.6 – Go when everyone else is gone
    Be the last one in gym to leave the locker room and go when everyone else is gone.

We’re back to bathrooms and pee anxiety is real, but sometimes you’re in a hurry so you can’t wait for people to clear out. Instead of letting people hear you pee, try Tip 093.6: Loudly Talk on The Phone In The Stall So People Will Feel Rude For Intruding On Your Conversation And Leave Out of Discomfort

  1. Tip #112 – Do whatever you can to stay awake
    The Boring Teacher: Always have something in handy that can keep you and the class awake.

Ned has hit the nail on the head with this one, but how does one stay awake you might ask? Simple. Tip 112: Light a Fire in the Building

  1. Tip #909.1A – The Direct Approach. Just Ask!
    1. Just ask! It’s what I call the “direct approach.”

Tip #909.1b – Indirect Approach–Get Noticed. Try a simple “Hello.”

  1. There are also many indirect approaches to consider. First, you gotta get noticed! A simple “Hello” is a good start.

Aw, the hopeless romantic gave us tips on how to handle a crush. This is sweet, but ineffective. Here is a special 2-for-1 revision. Lets try Tip 909.1A: Ladies, Let Your Person of Interest Know You are Available by Loudly Breaking Up with a Fake Partner Over the Phone (it will get everyone’s attention)

And finally, Tip 909.1b: Fellas, Don’t Stop at Hello (she might use that opportunity to reject you) but Continuously Talk For At Least 4 Minutes Uninterrupted (this will set a good foundation for your relationship moving forward)

While these tips will help, be prepared. More revision may be necessary as we continue to make our way through the pandemic.

Kyle Major

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